Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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