Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
