After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
