I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
