I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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