I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
