Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
