I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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