I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
