dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
