Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
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