I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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