So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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