You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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