i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
