I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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