"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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