Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
