so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
