so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
