I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
