I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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