Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's official drugs can't kill me
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
there is glitter all over my balls
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