oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
