i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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