operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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