my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
