Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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