ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
