Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
