she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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