You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
