I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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