yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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