Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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