Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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