i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
