oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
