Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
