I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
