Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
