wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
