Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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