You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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