How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
