I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
