We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
