I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
