Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
