I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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