Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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