So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
